Quote:
There is no day for me to look upon;
She is my essence, and I leave to be,
If I be not by her fair influence
Foster'd, illumin'd, cherish'd, kept alive.”
― William Shakespeare, The Two Gentlemen of Verona, Act III, Scene 1
Fandom: MCU

*



Steve had been at war since 1945. He knew little else. Ultron had been right. What was he without a war to fight?

This war was one he didn’t know how to win – or even how to fight.

Thanos had destroyed everything he understood. He had killed both the innocent and the guilty for his own satisfaction. He was a monster who justified his monstrosity in the name of the good of all. Steve had fought an evil like that before.

He had trouble sleeping most nights, just like tonight. He got up and walked outside. He ran around the airfield a few laps when he noticed he wasn’t alone. The only other person who was still here most of the time was Natasha and she seldom slept any more than Steve did. She was running, too. He slowed down so she could catch him.

“Ghosts or demons?” she asked as she passed him.

“Demons. You?”

“Just didn’t want to be alone.”

She stopped and turned back to watch him as he caught up.

“I’ve got a full bottle of Vodka and some old love songs on my phone. Wanna come home with me?”

In all the years he’d know her, she’d never seemed so down, so lonely.

“Sure. Can’t get drunk but I can watch you.”

She made a face and took off for the building. He followed her to her room. She cranked up some old love songs that Steve didn’t know. She poured him a glass and her one, too, then sat on the sofa, her legs curled beneath her. She held her glass up to his for a toast.

“To the rest of us.”

“To the best of us,” he answered.

They drank. And drank.

It took a lot to loosen Natasha’s tongue and lower her iron control. Steve had seen her drunk once or twice. She wasn’t there yet.

“So tell me, soldier boy, did you ever fuck any of those girls I fixed you up with?” She asked him with a wicked grin.

Steve blushed. She had tried to fix him up for years. She even did it now and again when they were fugitives. He had dated some of the girls, but the truth was, he’d never done more than that.

When he didn’t answer her, she said, “You didn’t! Anyone at all?” She looked puzzled.

He looked down at his lap. It mattered what she thought of him. Always had.

She put a finger under his chin and lifted his head. “Really?”

He nodded.

“Why, Steve? I know you were lonely sometimes. We all are.”

“I didn’t love them.”

“You know it’s fun even if you aren’t in love?”

He nodded and looked her in the eye.

“Were you already in love with someone then?” she asked, her voice softening.

“It’s you, Natasha. I’ve loved you for years.”

“Me?” She sounded shocked. “If you’d told me, we could have – I would have been happy to be in your bed.”

“You know there’s more to it than sex and besides, I didn’t want to mess up our friendship.”

Natasha kissed his cheek. “Not much you can do to mess up our friendship.”

“Do you love me even a little?”

Natasha scooted over closer to him, so her body was touching his, side by side. “I love you more than a little. That’s why I’d have been happy to be in your bed. Do you think I could spend as much time with you as I have and not see you as a man?”

“Then why were you trying to fix me up?”

“My life was not a life for happily ever after. I told Loki once about the red in my ledger – do you understand that? I couldn’t give you what you deserved with so much baggage. I couldn’t dump my problems on you.”

He put an arm around her shoulder. “And now?” he asked her.

She looked up into his eyes. “I’ve never forgotten that kiss,” she whispered to him. They’d shared one kiss when they were on the escalator in a mall, on the run from HYDRA.

“It was that bad?”

She laughed. Still speaking in a near whisper, she answered, “It was that good. I was as affected as you.”

He blushed, remembering the erection he’d gotten from that one kiss… and knowing she’d felt it pressed against her.

“So what does any of this mean?” he asked.

“It means that it’s just us now. I’ve paid my debts now. Sex was what I did to get what I needed in my work, or in my life. You and Clint are it for love. He is like a brother to me.”

“I don’t want to be your brother.”

She pulled his head toward hers. “Oh honey, you aren’t.” She kissed him. He put his arms around her and pulled her close. After a few more kisses, Natasha stood and reached for his hand. “Let me show just how not a brother you are.”

He followed her to her bedroom. She closed the door behind them.